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Sunday, June 20th, 2004
12:03 pm
things are still very surreal to me. i don't know where my life is going, i dont know who i can trust, i dont know how my life will pan out from one day to the next. maybe this is what the call "the exciting years", when everything is up in the air and can go in any direction.
um, check please? im done fretting over the little stuff in the long run. i just want to be established with myself and the world and live happily ever after. fuck i plan on world domination, but until then just give me stability in SOMETHING.

current mood: awake

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Saturday, February 21st, 2004
5:59 pm
im going to start writing in here again...not too sure why. im going to matts to shoot the rest of the ghost scenes for our movie. last night was so rediculously fun. more later.

current mood: sleepy

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Friday, June 29th, 2001
3:13 am - complaints of an idiot
some people make me SO angry i cant even put it into words right now. i wish people would not be so double sided and two faced. stop trying to impress the people you think you need to impress. just be happy. god its not so hard, who cares if you cant see ahead of you, just go. thats the whole lesson in growing up. of course you cant see ahead of you, its called learning. your never going to go anywhere staying where you are, especially if your not happy. come on. its ok that you dont want me. ill survive, just dont talk to me like we are something more than anything. I HATE 2 FACED PEOPLE. get one thing and stick with it, dont keep options open when you just surrendered the right to do that. exclusivity. physical relations are not the answer to every problem in life. god i feel like crushing my head under a rock. why are humans so completely complex? tonight everything made sense to me, why things happened in the past the way they did. only now i am in the position that ruined my relationship, which i refuse to do. as much as i dont like someone, i will never lure away someone they like. i will never help anyone cheat on their significant others. ever. so leave me alone. and to whoever reads this and doesnt like it, F*CK OFF. im not writing for anyone else but myself. im not even opening up as much as i want to right now. there are so many things i want to tell people that i feel like im about to explode. some people are so ignorant and immature i am going to vomit. its amazing that some people are suppose to be adults and they are more immature than me. thats pretty bad. god i dont understand. and im not getting sucked into the completely transparent attempts to make me fall. whats wrong with me. i need serious help, if its not completely obvious by now. i should have accepted that invitation to go up north this weeked, i really need a vacation. hopefully ill make it to see pantera, slayer, static x and skrape at cobo, i hope its not sold out or anything. i probably wont have enough money anyway. oh well.

current mood: confused

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Saturday, May 26th, 2001
1:10 pm
wow i havent written in here in a while. well i dont know why i am now, i deleted all my live journal links and i just redownloaded them. so i guess im gonna start writing in here again. hi. ive been so busy with everything, its been complete chaos. i am to the point where nothing shocks me anymore. my friend is dating a recent ex, and im glad they are together. everyone knew they were going to hook up at one point in time. hmm, what else has happened recently. well im getting the inside of my ear pierced, and i got more holes in my ears. dyed my hair. gained some weight. haha. WENT TO TOOL. oh my god was that beautiful. i walked in with rgs and NO ticket. he has a fake perfect circle backstage pass, so he asked if he could bring a friend in, and they said sure. so i drove down there, parked in the BACKSTAGE AREA, and he met me outside and we walked right in. hippie saved us seats way up in balcony, but we were able to go down to main floor with the fake backstage pass. joy. best concert so far. today im gonna go to the gibralter fair, then sunday is the 89x concert, oh man then monday is the detroit electronic music festival. i love this. more later.

current mood: devious

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Wednesday, April 18th, 2001
11:11 am
pivoting on empty.

deep into the black and boundless sky
were two stars that burned beside one another.
they both loved without needing a reply.
two planets in the same orbit.

the 2 stars had a love so brave and bright
until the sky was dusted with new stars to praise.
their years of existance began to shed light
on the future-joy was lost in the haze.

they have become two separate lives
one shines for a new celestial beauty,
the other has repeated piercing of knives
in the lonely heart, sworn to remain empty.

deep into the black and boundless sky-
another star did shatter and die.

current mood: depressed

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11:04 am
i miss you.

i miss you even though
i never completely had you.
all those quiet whispers
soft touches.
loud glances.
the way we danced.
but around the truth.
i miss you even though
you mistreated me.
all those bruising words.
threatening hands.
aching bones.

whisper in my ear
everything will be alright.
this pain will subside
i'll have someone to hold me tight
until it all stops on a dime
until then i just want to
sit alone and die alone.
you know where you want to be
and its not with me.

current mood: incredibly alone

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Saturday, April 14th, 2001
2:50 am
F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK

current mood: pissed off

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12:30 am
wow i am a loser. this is the first time in a long time i didnt go out at all today. well i went and got food with my mom, but that doesnt count. i feel so much better about myself, i made a cute vinyl concert shirt, and i made all these new bracelets and dyed my hair. it is still in my hair, i dont know how its gonna look. if its too blonde, then ill just cover it, and its only in the front so it shouldnt be bad.
i am in an ok mood, i am listening to my empire records soundtrack and it reminds me of how it was before. no boys ever got in the way of me having fun. and thats how i wanted it. but i met a guy who wanted to have fun WITH me, and he made things a little bit better. i hate him for that, he is such a jerk. haha im sorry i have been b*tchy lately, im just getting out how i feel about all this.
i know i am a good person and i have a cool personality and im not horribly hideous. i know that sounds so goddamn conceited but i am saying all this to get my self esteem levels back up to "satisfactory". so i gotta lie to myself so i dont think about all the reasons about why i was cheated on repeatedly. cause when i do its all that i wasnt good enough or i couldnt make him happy and that makes me feel like *ss. so i am trying to pamper myself, and hopefully ill feel better. i do already. damn i chipped my tooth and it is like cutting my tongue. i feel like a f*cking circus carnie with a chipped tooth. oh well, i love being a loser, i miss this.

current mood: cheerful

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Friday, April 13th, 2001
4:39 pm - ive realized how boy crazy i am
hmm..well its almost 4pm and ive been sitting home all day being dumb and thinking about everything. GOD!! the doorbell just rang and it was chris asking if i could still go to the unnerved show tonight. what the hell. GO AWAY STALKER!!!

im over dave though, which made things easier. whatever happens happens. i feel better about things, but im not going to make out with everyone tonight, im just going to probably hang out with anna again or just sit around and pick my *ss. i want to shave my legs and pierce my ear tonight, and i have to get to bed early on saturday to pick up sal from the airport on sunday. i think my mom is going with me to pick him up.
i am babbling. ok well i am going ot shower and maybe go shopping, i want a pink spike bracelet. ill write more later. bye

current mood: frustrated

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Tuesday, April 10th, 2001
12:44 pm
well yesterday was one of those days that just seems like it cant get any worse. i dont know what is going on lately, everything goes wrong at once, and its in the middle of that "bad wave". so i get home from school, it sucked cause all my friends went to washington and they wont be at school tommorrow or wednesday, so i was hugging everyone and saying bye for the break. so i get home and go on the computer and the door bell rings. it is sal and he wants to know if i will take him to the airport. so i am getting ready and the door rings again. this time it is chris. i freaked out cause i remembered how much he hated sal cause he thought we were more than friends. but he knew he was here so they met and it was wierd but we all left and i followed sals to his moms then we went to 7 eleven. we went across the street to coney and when we got back to my car, i put in the key and the alarm goes off. never happened before. it was funny how wrong things were going, cause we needed my car, and the alarm disengaged the car. anyway we left for the airport in his van, and he was late for his plane but he made it. then: getting home was a b*tch. i got lost on I-94 and ran out of gas on gratiot. then i couldnt find his moms house again to drop off the key to his van. so it was crap. then sal calls from california at 2:23 and i woke up and couldnt go back to sleep. as soon as i do, jehovahs witness calls and asked if i read the scriptures and i told him that i dont believe in god and to leave me alone. so i come on here and well i finally get to talk to anna which is cool. someone told me once that it is in people's blood to cheat.
once a cheater, always a cheater.
i cannot get involved with anyone who i know is used to cheating, lying and not being completely intertwined in the other person. i want that, and i dont know if that is too much to ask or that is too high of a standard but
thats what i really want. somoene so f*cking in love with me that they never want to cheat and they do anything to make it right. i hate being a romantic. i want someone who will laugh with me, and make me melt. i know i can be a good girlfriend.

current mood: crappy

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Friday, April 6th, 2001
7:11 pm
haha oh my god the funniest thing happened today. when me and tommy were driving, this guy swerved off the road and we drove by slow so we could laugh at him. he saw us laughing, so he squeeled back onto the road and was swerving behind us yelling. we were laughing our *sses off. then i got mad at him cause he honked at some poor kid cause he turned too slow, so i flipped him off out the window. we passed him a couple times and he was pointing his finger and..the finale.... he flipped us off as we were turning! it was the best to see a senile old man flipping us off, he was really pissed. so today was really good. ashley gave me money for her and her bf, and dj said he might wait in line with me tommorrow. i doubt it cause im getting up at like 5am. i dont care, im going with no makeup and my hoodie. it will be so much fun. i miss going to concerts by myself, or just going with the girls. those were the days. we would be all heavy metal girls, and usually the only ones who were really into the music (obsessed actually). god i am going to pierce myself tonight for tommorrow, maybe my lip or eyebrow. i am talking crazy. but yeah i am spending another night on the computer, at least im getting food with a friend in a little bit, that will cheer me up.
dave asked me if i was willing to give "us" another chance and i told him no cause i dont trust him at all. a relationship without trust is complete sh*t. so i told him he needs to start lining up some "f*ck me friends" cause i wont be trusting him for a while. i cant believe i am even talking to him. i have a little box of everything that reminded me of him and i was going ot give it back to him cause i didnt want to be reminded of him. i havent brought in the box yet, i might throw it off the bridge by my house. i am afraid to be as vulnerable as i was before so i dont see even the obvious. i am staying away from guys in bands, they always have problems committing. i think thats why they chose to be rockstars, so they can live out their inability to commit. i want someone who is into the music AND can commit, and i know if dave CANNOT do that.
this gave me a headache today in art and i heard crazy in that class again and i started crying while drawing my stupid curtain! im so pathetic..look at me..im just an addict...(sorry) well im about to get going, i am going out to eat and i might buy a girlie shirt for tommorrow. first it is the signing then the concert, im so pumped. i think my mom is letting me stay out all night tommorrow. well i will write more tonight and write how everything went tonight.

current mood: love sucks

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Thursday, April 5th, 2001
9:26 pm
well im still online, yes i am a huge homo loser, but what else am i gonna do? what.. go dude shopping? i dont think so. someone just said that i have been online for 3 hours and 37 minutes.
jeremy is so nice, it sucks that it happened to a guy like him. well, im getting off the computer. i love my life only because tool is coming to detroit and im camping out for ozzfest. im pretty sad my friend is going to california for a week, but they will be back on sunday. ok have fun in the studio dear.

current mood: uncomfortable

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8:14 pm
hmm..today was better, two people asked me about prom, then asked me for my phone number and some guy just hit on me in the library when i was looking at my journal, it was funny. i dont think i am going to prom anymore, i told too many people that i was bringing dave so why bother going now. so i know i am not some hideous loser that no one will talk to, i dont have that low self esteem anymore, i cant, otherwise some people will take advantage of that. i learned that here. i feel like such a girl, and i feel like i can kick anyones *ss today. i dont know why. and hmm, i dont know. dave i dont know about anything you said. i just feel like crap about it cause i am so embarassed that this happened to me. my boyfriend that i loved and defended from all these people, were actuallly the people i should have been listening to instead of you. it kills me cause you said that you werent the kind of guy who would keep something like this from me, and you did. you said its horrible when people do that, which is pretty hippocritical of you. you say you dont have an chance, you havent even tried. so i can forget you, i can move on and have a kick *ss life? but i think you were the one for me, i never felt it that strongly with anyone. thats why i was so blind when we were together, it was that i felt so strongly for you. but like i said, you wouldnt have done this if you felt the same way. the night i found out i never cried so hard, and only got 2 hours of sleep that night. i dont want you to know how much you mean to me cause youll only use that to your advantage. so if i were you i would find someone quick to kiss, you said so yourself that you like to kiss and you need someone there all the time. sorry i wasnt there every waking hour of my life. im sorry i wasnt as pretty as amy or as funny as her. im sorry i didnt make you as happy as she did. i was pretty sure that you are the one, but if this is how the love of my life treats me what the hell am i doing. you are single again, you have all those girls wanting you just as bad, not like it stopped you before but at least you can say you dont have a gf now. sorry if that sounds mean its just how i feel. like i told you when you first cheated on me with jenn, i wanted someone who will be so in love that they dont want to be with anyone else. that was how i thought it was with you and me. was it that i was too emotional or too clingy? i know i was moody alot cause i didnt have a good feeling after you and jenn kissed. so i hope she is still looking really good when she comes over. (more bitterness sorry)
i got tickets to the 89x birthday bash, and i am getting up at 5am on saturday to get ozzfest tickets with some friends. i hope my frog girlies are going. but i guess this is good cause i would have never let dave pay for ozzfest, its like 50$$ and i can handle that myself. OH MY GOD! tool is playing in detroit between may 15th and the 21st. i am so excited cause maynard is god. i hope this didnt sound mean or attacking, i didnt mean it that way i just wrote how i felt. and i cant appologize for how i feel. i wrote so many poems and stuff about this situation, and i showed them to my friend and we are going to make a song together. it is so sad and wonderful. i kinda really wanted to do a song with dave, but he isnt talking to me. dave its funny that you listened to that boyz II men song, thats what ive had on repeat for the last couple days (before you posted it). it actually scared me when i saw all the lyrics to that song, cause its my favorite song from them and thats all i was listening to the other day. i dont know what to do with myself. ill just concentrate on what makes me happy:my music.

current mood: confused

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Monday, April 2nd, 2001
8:30 pm
i dont know what to do this weekend. i know on saturday i want to go with lauren to see sals band, that will be fun. but we wanted to get into the factory 81 show. everyone can go except me because of the 18+ thing. even lauren can go. yeah that sucks. everyone i know is going and i havent seen factory in a while and it ends early so i could just go to that then end up at sals thing. i dont know. i need another fake id. my mom found the old one and destroyed it. i dont think any of this will happen. this isnt the only concerns in my life i just really love music and its one of the only things that makes me feel alive. im looking at the www.hottopic.com site and it only makes me want a piercing or a tattoo. well i am bored so im gonna go.

current mood: just here

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4:20 pm
oh yes. even more happy. as soon as i finished with that last entry the doorbell rang and i thought it was someone like chris or ashley or someone, but it was a package of all these static x cds. i am on the bandb*tch street team, which is so much better than immortal records:) i am going to do my promotional thing at wired frog and OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH...........................
the best thing i heard today: ozzfest tickets go on sale on saturday, but they are gonna be like 50$$. i am getting up at 6am on a saturday just to get them. i dont know where im going to get 50$ by the end of the week. we shall see.

current mood: excited

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4:01 pm
you are such a precious little thing! god im sorry i went nuts this morning..it was like 5am and i was hardly awake so i blew everything out of proportion. thank you for not being upset about all that crap i wrote, i called you this morning but you didnt answer. i am in love you you and it makes me really happy that you keep saying that too. i guess im just so scared to lose someone like you, and i guess amy is really pretty, you said so yourself. so im a freak, i know. thank you for understanding. i love you so much dave. hey i have another song that sorta reminds me of you, that best i ever had song by vertical horizon..its a stupid song i know but its cute. im in such a better mood now. once i wake up, i hope everything is ok. i love you so much. ok

current mood: grateful

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Sunday, April 1st, 2001
9:44 am
hi. yesterday was really fun. i didnt get in trouble for anything. i will write more later. my mom has internet filter on my computer, so i cant read ANY THING! i need to go to the library or my friends or something. this sucks. i have to get ready for church.. ok bye.

current mood: tired

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Saturday, March 31st, 2001
3:29 am
hey, ok i cannot believe dave thinks this dyke is pretty. becky, i used to go to school with her, and she is the most disgusting girl i have ever been around. she isnt even a girl i dont think, she is really crude and thinks she is so beautiful, well she has horrible acne covered my caked on makeup, a huge buddha belly and a horrible fake n bake look to her. god! and he thinks she is pretty. i feel so ugly right now. god if he thinks she is pretty what the hell am i? oh well, ill worry about that later. tonight we went to the movies and saw valentine, pretty odd movie, great soundtrack. i almost killed us two times in the same parking lot. wow im a horrible driver.then we wasted an hour in farmer jack. AN HOUR!! but it was fun. he is so cute. im excited im going to hang out with him tommorrow. i guess im picking him up and taking him to guitar center at like 11am. damn. i dont want to be a taxi. but its a big day for him. then were gonna hang out for the show at his work. im gonna see if ashley wants to go, i could come back and pick her up, i really want her to go.i love him so much, i hope he at least feels as half as much as im feeling. cause if he feels even that, then we are ok.well i am pretty tired, ill write more later. he is being such an anal bead right now. god!! i love you so much cunt rag.

current mood: rock star goddess

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Friday, March 30th, 2001
6:43 pm
im so sorry i keep writing in here, its great though, and my mom just asked if i was quitting school again, stupid. oh well. she found this pornographic picture that my friend sent, and he said it was a picture of him. it was suppose to be funny, and it was but my mom didnt see the humor in it. i went to the mall and bought a couple new balls for my navel(blue, green and another silver ball), i feel like a girl again since i got rid of that huge spike. i hope my mom doesnt read this, cause i have had my navel since october, and she doesnt know about it. oh only 5 months. i am so upset about arizing. they were one of my favorite local bands. and i cant stop listening to the new songs off of womb. dreaming escape is so beautiful. im going to start my own band. and get a job at walgreens(i got an application today) and work with anna. ok i am such a loser, this is so great. yesss!!!! i suck!!!! i hope ill have time to go to my friends practice tonight, probably not though. i want to hang out with dave but who knows what he is doing. he said he is getting home earlier than 6:45, and its almost that time now. so im bored out of my skull and my mom isnt home again. guess where she is? yeah at church. well i write in here alot already, im going to write some emails and get off here. bye

current mood: quixotic

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3:17 pm
ohgod i am so happy right now, i can actually accomplish something without anyone elses help. yay! it was so funny yesterday my friend called me from the perfect circle concert during my FAVORITE song, but he couldnt hear if someone picked up pr not, so hes just singing away and my mom answered i guess. she got mad that he called and couldnt hear her. i was out with dave. dave if you read this tonight let me know if i should change the picture. before i had the lead singer of mudvayne, then chino, and now this. so tell me what you think. ok im going to take a shower and get ready to go to the mall. i want to buy some bracelets today. bye

current mood: good

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